1. The New York Post printed the salacious text messages between Tiger and sidepiece, Jamie Grubbs.

Tiger’s response: “Blame it on the alcohol.”

2. The seventh chick linked to Tiger was a porn star. The Tiger went wild, indeed.

Tiger’s response: “I’m gonna take the liberty of quoting a great American poet here, Snoop Dogg: ‘I don’t love them hoes.'”

3. In December 2009, Tiger said he was taking in indefinite leave from golf.

Tiger’s response: “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

4. Tiger told the world he was oh-so-sorry back in February.

Tiger’s response: “Yeah, I’m sorry I got caught, but that’s about all I’m sorry for.”

5. Holly Sampson, another porn star, gave Tiger props for his, ahem… stroke.

Tiger’s response: “Call me Tiger Flintstone; I can make your bed rock.”

6. Joslyn James — yes, another porn star — alleges she was knocked up by Mr. Woods, twice.

Tiger’s response: “To quote Maury Povich: ‘I am NOT the father.'” [Then breaks out in celebratory dance]

7. Word is Tiger is forking over mucho dinero too keep his wifey by his side.

Tiger’s response: “My wife? I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger but she ain’t messin’ with no broke… “

8. Back in June 2009, at the U.S. Open some drunkards were jeering Tiger.

Tiger’s Response: “Y’all should grow the f–k up, come here let me coach you.”

9. Tiger has enough mistresses to form a basketball team , at least.

Tiger’s response: “I’m shutting s–t down in the mall, and telling every girl she’s the one for me, and I ain’t even planning to call, I want this s–t forever, man.”

10. Lastly, despite all the distractions, Tiger is still favored to win the Masters.

Tiger’s response: “I’m Tiger Woods!”

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